All my life I have been trying to please my dad. God has continually told me, "Please Me and you will be pleasing your dad." So then I continue to try to press on to be obedient to the Lord and follow Jesus daily. As I grow and notice the truths in His word and the wickedness of the world around me, I get more and more convictions that I need to follow in my life and obey. Yet, then I become a person that my dad doesn't want me to be. He wants me to do nothing but get a degree and get married. He doesn't want to wait for the right timing. He doesn't want me to serve God.
He misunderstands so many points in the scriptures and then gets angry with me because I try to follow them out. He is the only person that doesn't want me to go to Africa because I need to go to school. He is upset with the way I am turning out. Yet, since his expectations of Sarah are lower, I would say that he is equally pleased with both of us. I'm not saying I am perfect or he should even be proud of me. He has asked, "Can't there be something in the middle?" Why does he want idle daughters that want only what the world around us tells us to? Why doesn't he want me to serve the Lord by working with children in Africa? The Lord has been so faithful to me and yet he doesn't even notice. Yet, I can't have the hope of pleasing my dad, I just need to be obedient to God.
Many times my relationship with my father is the hardest struggle in my life. I want to obey him and respect him as I am told to do in Galatians and Colossians and throughout the Bible, yet he doesn't even respect the fact that I am attempting to follow Jesus daily and to go where He is leading me. My dad may never be supportive or see the views that I hold, but I know that they are of the Lord and Jesus is there helping me and guiding me. Once again, Jesus tells me, "I love you, you are in My will. Don't wonder what he wants, only do what I want. Never feel bad for doing what I desire."

Wahoo! So much is going on. I am praying about going to Africa and an application to Rainbows of Hope is being mailed to me today. I am pretty sure this is the organization that I want to go with. I hope Jessica likes it too. It really seems like God wants me to go. I pretty much just need to trust in Him to provide and show me the way. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

In the pamphlet, "My Heart - Christ's Home", Robert Boyd Munger is talking about how he was spending time in the morning's with Jesus in the living room. He had been missing the daily time and hurrying in the mornings. One morning he saw Jesus in there waiting and he asked Jesus if He had been there all along. Then Jesus explaned:
"The trouble is that you have been thinking of the quiet time, of Bible study and prayer, as a means for your own spiritual growth. This is true, but you have forgotten that this time means something to me also. Remember, I love you. At a great cost I have redeemed you. I value your fellowship. Just to have you look up into my face warms my heart. Don't neglect this hour if only for my sake. Whether or not you want to be with me, remember I want to be with you. I really love you!"

I know this is how the Lord feels and that I really need to spend more time with Him. Yet, He has been on the back burner. I need to move Him up to the front and make Him my top priority. I have in some ways, like with my convictions. Yet I haven't with my time. I continually put people as more important in my schedule. I know that there are technically 2 front burners on the stove, but God needs to be on both. Lord help me make you more important in my life. Help me stand up for You and the things You desire for me to do. They are important and I need to make the things important to You important to me. Thank You for your faithfulness to me.

There are so many questions that I wonder about the Bible. How do I know how to wait while I am trying to figure them out. I have been trying to figure out some things like: 1) Is the first part of 1 Cor. 11 cultural or literal 2) Is it okay to speak in tongues to oneself in a church service 3) How far must we go to prevent stumbling others . . . Plus many more.

For example, 1 Cor. 14:34 says, "Let your women keep silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the law also says."
1 Tim. 2:11 says, "Let a woman learn in silence with all submission."
According to the strongs, silent means silence and churches means a meeting place (jewish synagogue, church) that includes saints of the earth and in HEAVEN. Yet, this word for woman means wife. Where do the single women lie in this? What are we called to do? Is it possible for when the Bible says the word, "brother" "man" it is really referring to the male gender only? I ask all of this not to bring more confusion, but to maybe figure it out. I know that I am called to pray and study out this issues. However, what do I do while I wait. Do I be silent or do I continue to speak? Is it my pride that makes me want to speak? Or if I stopped to speak, could I end being like the servant that buried his gift in the sand? I see both sides as not good options. I just want to serve the Lord and to try to understand what HE wants me to do. I know that I can't always be able to look, read, and follow. Yet, I definitely need some more insight on this one.

Tongues? . . . 1 Cor. 14:18-19 "I thank my God I speak with tongues more than you all; yet in the church I would rather speak five words with my understanding, that I may teach others also, than then thousand words in a tongue.
1 Cor. 14:16 (Amplified) "Otherwise, if you bless and render thanks with [your] spirit [thoroughly aroused by the Holy Spirit], how can anyone in the position of an outsider or he who is not gifted with [interpreting of unknown] tongues, say the Amen to your thanksgiving, since he does not know what you are saying?"
I guess my questions are: Can we not speak in tongues around other people? Even if it's under our breath? Can we not speak in tongues when other people are praying (in the known language). This is what I am seeing in the verses, yet I am not seeing it practiced - even by myself.

Stumbling others. . . How are we supposed to prevent others from stumbling when we don't know what stumbles them? How do we know if they are healed? How can we be cautious? As a group, can we prevent doing certain activities for the benefit of others? Can we be sensitive to everyone's needs and struggles? How far should we go for these things? Just random thoughts. . .

Last night I went to Quo Vadis. We all shared what God has been doing in our lives, and I was able to share how God has been helping me with my fears. Then, of coarse, comes an opportunity to face one of them. As we were all talking about playing the jimbay, they asked if I wanted to give it a try. I said, "No, I don't have rhythm". It's okay, you just feel it. "No, seriously, I can't hear it or feel it. I do not want to play it." Just when they stopped asking. . .

God says, "Is this another fear?"
Me, "Yes, it's pride, huh?"
God, "Yes"
Me, "Alright, so even if it is Lord, I am not going to overcome it today." I began thinking of ways I could maybe practice it at home to try it at a later date.
Me, "No, I am definitely not going to do it today. I will look and sound stupid. I can't keep a rhythm."
God, "So, I am helping you over come your fears? You just told them all about it earlier.
How about you actually do what you were talking about. Overcome it."
Me, "I can't get out of it. Fine one song, that's it."

So, I did. God finally won. It was actually fun. Who would've guessed it. Micah seems to think I kept the rhythm throughout the song. I know I messed up a little bit. But it was actually fun and I did it! Praise the LORD! After all, it's all for him anyways. He doesn't care what it sounds like.

Thinking back, I actually said to God, "Lord, I am not going to overcome it today." How can I possibly call Him Lord and not be submissive to His voice. Isn't the meaning of Lord that I am supposed to submit and serve Him? Hmmm, as I'm talking to Him, I use an oxymoron. If I am not submitting to Him, then why call Him Lord? Hello, that is so dumb of me. Like calling Him Lord makes my desire of disobedience better or not as bad. Yet, Jesus is consistent and really desires me to obey, so He did everything He could to help me be obedient. HE is good and great. Praise the LORD!, for real this time.

Never Underestimate My JESUS
You tell me there's no hope
I'm telling you you're wrong!
Never Underestimate My JESUS
When the world around you crumbles
You will be strong, You will be strong

Can I be free of this unreleasable sin
Overcoming the obstacles are
Overcoming my fears

Never underestimate my Jesus

Isn't that the truth? Lord even though,
"I think I can't, I think I can't,
but I think YOU Can, I think YOU Can!
Gather my Insufficiencies,
place them in Your hands, place them in Your hands."
Lord, help me keep them there. Help me Lord.
Thank You for the continuing reminder that You are
working on resolving my fears. Praise You LORD!

1 John 4:4 "You are of God, little children, and have overcome them, because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world." Oh me of little faith! Why do I doubt? Lord give me more faith and hope in You. Build these things up in me. Show me what my part is. Lord, You are awesome and You are love. Help me be made perfect in love. ". . . If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us." (1 Jn. 4:12b) I do not want to fear anyone or anything, make me have perfect love towards all Jesus. I need to know how You did it. Shine Your light in me and strengthen me Lord. I love You.

Tonight at home group, the Lord was really teaching me and reminding me of different things. They seem so milky and at an elementary level of biblical knowledge. But this is where I am at. Tonight we studied 1 John 3. Micah brought up how amazing the first phrase is "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God. . . " I was thinking, 'yeah, so. He loves us, but why is that so amazing, we already know this.' Then God started to show me why it is so amazing. As I have been dealing with all of these fears, God was telling me, "I love You. You are My child. I will protect You like any good earthly father. I have your best in mind. I know the best thing for You." All of a sudden, wow, why do I doubt You Lord. Why do I doubt who You are and Your love for me? Lord give me more trust in You.

We also talked a lot about loving other people. For the past couple of days I have been asking people, do I tell people the truth about the Bible and God's ways when they view me as holy rollers, Molly Mormon, and think I am putting myself on a higher level than them? So many times when I tell my family something that is concrete in God's word like 1 Jn. 3:6-8, it's black and white and there is nothing anyone can do to change the meaning of it. Yet, then Grant brought up 1 Jn. 3:18 "Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth." Telling my family the truth about these things is loving them in truth. Even if they don't percieve it as love, it is still love. Just as David reminded me, I need to pray for them. I need to pray a whole lot. Lord help me not give up on my family. Help me realize You have Your hand on my family's lives and You love them so much more than I do.
Micah brought up too that we need to be more open and honest with people. Answer people's questions truthfully about our lives and not try to make people comfortable. Chrissy added that if we are more bold with people and they decide to no longer have fellowship with us, then that can be a good thing. It can show them what exactly is missing in their life. They might miss it when it's gone.

Today I read about the flood. It continually shows how Noah obeyed all that God commanded him. It says how Noah was a righteous man. Yet, the first thing he did when he got off the ark was get drunk and naked. The Lord dealt with him accordingly and Noah dealt when Shem accordingly when he looked upon Noah's nakedness. These chapters really show God's mercy and love in having a remnant of people that was saved. They also show how the Lord has a balance of His mercy and grace with the need of being obedient to Him. Lord help me be obedient and remember the promises You have given to me. Help me rely more upon You. I love You Lord.

Come to find out I have more and more fears approaching daily. In the past couple of days, I have realized just how many fears I have. I have the fear of the Lord picking someone for me that I won't like. I have fear of the unknown. I have fears of looking stupid (like when I am dancing), which is PRIDE. I have a fear of not being a good enough witness. I also have a fear of the demonic realm. I have a fear that I can't get past all of my fears.
Yesterday I read Proverbs 1.
vs. 33 says, "But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, And will be secure, without fear of evil."
Luke 12:32 says, "Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."
1 Tim. 1:7 says, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Psalm 112:7 says, "He will not be afraid of evil tidings; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord."
Isaiah 35:4 says, "Say to those who are fearful-hearted 'Be strong, do not fear! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with recompense of God; He will come and save you."

Lord, You give me some awesome promises and resources to rely upon. Why don't I trust You? Why do I doubt that You will come and save me? Why do I doubt that I have been given more power from You than in the demonic realm? Why do I doubt that greater is You in me than is of the world? Lord, I admit to you all of my fears, worries, and struggles. I know I have a lack of faith and trust in You. You have shown Yourself to be more faithful to me over all situations. Help me trust You more. Help me remember all the times You have saved me from myself, danger, and my sins. Help me remember all the times You have prevented me from making wrong turns in my life. I praise You for how You have been faithful to me through all of my struggles, and through all of the victories You have helped me achieve. Lord, continue to be my helper. Help me go to You for help Jesus. I love You, and I want to love You even more. Amen.