Today, as I was driving to church, I was praying about my boy and the person Keith mentioned in his recent blog. I started thinking about the kids that have left in the past couple of months and how it has been hard. There are some that have been there for years, and some didn't even stay a month. They all hit hard because no one can ever replace them - they're each individuals that will always have a place in my heart.

I thought about the new girl, Lupita, and how I didn't get to know her at all. I thought about the ones that were new 2 times ago - Miriam, Viviana, Jesus, and some others that have already left. I didn't really get to know any of them that well yet either - some... but not a ton. I usually try to make sure I spend a decent amount of time with the newer kids just to form that bond from the get go and love on them as they are making the transition.

It's then that I realized something. I have had such a hard time with all of the ones that have left (summer time is always the worst!) and I have just been trying to keep it all in (until lately - lucky blog readers you!)... but here's the scary part... I realized today that I have not been getting to know the new kids like normal due to the fear that they would be leaving soon and I would have to deal with missing them.

Seriously, how selfish and rude is that! I couldn't believe it. I started thinking about how Adrian always applauds me for knowing each and every one of their names and how he doesn't know them until they are there for at least 3 months - even though he lives with them. That's when it all started clicking in my rude thick head... He is afraid of the same thing. Right when he gets to know them, they leave. He misses them too and how much harder is it being one of the true orphans and seeing kids leave with their families knowing that it will never happen for him. It's always harder being the one that stayed instead of being the one that is doing the leaving.

This is when I was somewhat comforted, hurt, but honored. Missing them and getting a glimpse of all these emotions help me realize a little of what they go through... how they process things on a normal basis. I was going to have a conversation with Adrian about it when I get down there next, but I'm not sure if I have the heart to do it... or put him through the conversation either... It's a hard one...just imagining it in my head brought tears to my eyes that I had to withhold due to driving. Yet, what an honor. What an honor it is to go through the slightest degree of what they are feeling... to somewhat be able to have empathy with them - even if it at a lower level. Thank you God for helping me realize this and help me love love love not worrying about tomorrow and only focusing on the here and now and who You have put in my life to show love to.... Today.