Do you ever get in a funk and stay in it for a day or two? I'm in one right now.

I take pride in how easy the past year has been for me. It seems like it's just about a year since God told me that He has given me the gift of singleness. Ironically, this has been the easiest year for me since 6th grade for this area of my life. There are very few days where I struggle or have fears. The fears are more unanswered questions about what will happen when I get older and if I will be lonely later in life.

People don't realize how much they want to befriend other people that are in the exact same stage in their life. I was asked at Angela's shower if it's ever hard for me since I can't fully connect with anyone completely. The person shared with me that sometimes it's hard for her because she doesn't have kids yet... Yes, sometimes, it is hard for me - but maybe not as hard as it is for her. She knows that someday she will have kids of her own and have that bonding time, but for me, I know it will never happen. Sure, I could sulk and have pity on myself for never being able to fully relate to people - or I can do what I tell most people to do when they are having a hard time - Get over it. I don't mean to say that to be insensitive to myself or to others, but there's only 2 choices in life - accept what you have or sulk and cry about it and never enjoy life or that situation. For me, I like the freedom that God has given me. I enjoy being single most of the time and I really do only seem to struggle with it for a few moments here and there - and it's usually because people just don't get it and it's hard to explain to people. And, let's be honest, there are lots of people that I don't explain it to.

So, why am I currently in a funk? Last night, I was with the beautiful Cloud kids. Right after Mandy left, Annah said something interesting to me. She said, "You're going to have a baby in two days?". I looked down at my stomach and wondered how bad my body has gotten for her to think that I am that pregnant... Then, she said the following that made me feel a whole lot better after I told her that I wasn't. She said, "Uh huh, you are. Vana told me. She told me that you are going to have a baby because she is praying that you will be a mom someday. She is praying for you that you will get married and be a mom." It's one of the cutest things ever and it brings tears to my eyes just typing it. Both Mandy and Amy have told me that the girls pray for me and that they're not going to stop them. I know that pretty much every person in my life hopes that this singleness is only for a season. I try to explain it to people that I don't think it is, and that it seems like it's going to be permanent. I don't know what God has for me - I only know what He has told me to this point...

Talking to kids about my singleness has always been the hardest part for me. How do I explain it? I don't ever want to explain it too much because I don't want them to have a fear that they will get this gift someday. I don't want to make it sound like I don't want it or like it, because I don't want them to think that God gave me something bad - when it's not. Yet, when I try to explain it to them in a happy way, they don't get it. I can try to say, "God wants me all for Himself" but that doesn't always go well with them . It just makes it really hard to try to explain it. Parents don't want to tell their kids about it when they talk about me and getting married and having kids some days because they don't want that to be God's will and because they don't know how to explain it if they wanted to. I think the hardest part is when kids ask, "do you have a boyfriend" and then they ask, "do you want one?". I feel like I'm obligated to explain my singleness to them so they don't ask me the next week or month and then it seems like I am deceiving them no matter what I say, but then it seems silly. I feel like I'm lying if I said I did just so I can make the conversation over...

Anyway... this is why I'm in a funk I guess. Sorry, that's a lot of nonsense and rambling that probably doesn't make sense to anyone other than myself. PS. I woke up on Sunday morning out of the funk... Oh how journaling is therapeutic to the soul and mind. :)