Last one about Mexico... I promise.

Abandonment.....

Even though it is incredibly rewarding to go to an orphange, it's still really hard. It's not just an easy going, fun-loving time. For me, there really isn't that many struggles while I am there. Honestly, I have a ton of self confidence issues and I always get nervous when I'm meeting new people. So, obviously that is there, but besides that, it's relatively easy. One thing that is great though about orphans.... I really hate calling them that by the way.... is that they tend to be more outgoing than most, so it's really easy to get to know them. Anyway, besides all that, and back to my point... I love going to orphanages overall, but I sometimes think that it's only out of selfish motives that I go. I enjoy it, I think it is fun, and I personally feel rewarded or that I am given a prize because of the kids I meet. Yet when I leave, I feel like crap. People might not think about it, but of course, I do. See, here I am. I am a person that comes into these precious, vulnerable, deserving children's lives. I seek to love on them, help them have fun, and just be with them. Yet, I am only in their lives for 3 days. Then I leave. I am just admist the hundreds or thousands of people that go through there every year. Some of them, I will never see again, I honestly have no idea. When I think about Ramon crying when we left, I wonder if he does that often. Is that him getting his hopes up? It makes me wonder if he thinks he'll go home with his family and if he would even want to leave the orphanage. With him, I know he has other brothers and sisters, yet they're not at the orphanage... which means that they are most likely at home with his parents or relatives... which totally breaks my heart.

So, all this is to say, that sometimes I wonder if me going to places like this is merely selfish because all I am doing in the end, is abandoning them, just like everyone else. So, if you wonder why I'd want to do it fulltime or on a permanent basis, this is why.