Life is hard because every choice you make brings up new choices for you... Yet, since we have so many options that arise all the time, it is limitless with the amount of choices that each new one would have in effect of it.
There are so many questions in life that make you wonder, what is the best decision to make? What is the best option for me?....
Are my current living plans the best possible choice? Are there going to be effects that I don't foresee? Should I or do I doubt my own strength? Is my strength a shield that doesn't truly exist?.... I don't know.
Am I truly happy with my job right now? I think that I fit in and excel in the corporate world, yet I also was amazing when I worked with special needs children. I have to admit that now that I don't do it full time, I don't have as many talents in that area when I am watching the twins or Jonathon. My creativity has diminished because so often my creativity in ways to work and play with them is off of and improving the way others work with them. Yet, when I did it full time, I was told my numerous therapists, "Some people work well with these type of children, and you are one of the few that work really well and have a gifting for it". That was when I was working with the severely delayed children....many that can't even grasp a toy for 15 seconds or sit up by the time they are 3 years old.... or even say one word....that are still bottle fed, and have goals of strengthening their limbs to one day crawl and/or walk.
I love love love autistic children. To me, there is no greater joy than having an inside joke or game with a "child with autism"... Remembering playing "wake up" with Zach and pretending to snore. Remembering his mom coming in a week later, telling me that it was the first time her son requested her to do anything.... wondering if she'd be upset because she liked to sleep in, but realizing that she was beyond ecstatic because her son wanted to spend time with her....... Remembering Joshie and how I was the only Hannah in his life. He did not want his sister's friend to have the same name as me, because he couldn't understand that, and we had this intense bond........ Remembering Jimmy and the countless cuss words he'd say along with "spaceship" and "Happy Birthday" anytime that he wanted to feel out of this world because something was out of sync.
So, back then, I wanted to be either a Special Education Early Education major or an Occupational Therapist. I love knowing the neurological reasonings for why people do the things that they do.... Yet, it costs so much money, and I lived at my parents long enough. So, I quit working for the schools and started to work for Insight. I am able to support myself now, in every way, and it feels awesome. I don't think I live a cushioned life at all, many times paycheck to paycheck, but I do not have to depend on anyone else.
Yet, I am left with the questions.... Should I go back to school and pursue it? They are low paying jobs, and I would be spending the amount of money I make in a year on school.... In the end, I would make the same amount as I do now, maybe less. Yet, I would be happier, as J pointed out last week. Yet, I love the social aspect of my job right now, yet it's still not fulfulling.... Ooh, Marriott got their orders right in time for their new opening... Good for me!
So I am left with questions.... Right now I have no time for school, my life is extremely busy because I work 50+ hours a week if you include the time I work at home. I go to the gym, which might sound cliche, but I am finding that being 26, I really need to start having a healthy lifestyle that I can continue forever. I would like to work with the youth at my church, yet, I am so drained as it is, that I hardly go except for on Sundays... I have no money for school, and because it's not a business degree, I would not get reimbursement through my job.
Yet, just like the song goes, there's reasons for everything in life, and I don't have to worry about a thing.
Life is funny, life's a mess
Sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing
Don't worry 'bout a thing, don't worry 'bout it
Life gets sticky, life can bruise
Sometimes you win sometimes your losing
No matter what it brings
Don't worry 'bout a thing
In the end, we can learn from our mistakes. We can be happy even if we're not experiencing the complete or ultimate happiness that we could be.
In the end, there's not that much to worry about, because life has a way of working out exactly the way it was supposed to..... yet, I am still left with some questions.
3 comments:
Psalm 32:8 I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.
Heavenly Father~ Thank You for giving us freedom to make choices of our own. I ask that You would allow Hannah to see her life through Your eyes and that she would make her choices based on what You show her. Thank You for being faithful in guiding us, Lord.
Isaiah 58:11 And the Lord shall guide you continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and strengthen thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden whose waters never fail.
Choices are like having to fix a house when things break down.
It beats the alternative of having no choices (or living in an apartment).
Miss Hannah
You are awesome and God has blessed you with an amazing talent and love for children especially those with special needs. I'm sure He will lead you in the right direction and make it clear in your heart. I will keep you in my prayers. Much Love!!
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