Sometimes, there are stories that are made up that are totally humorous. Here is one that has been ongoing for a couple of days with one of my friends in Florida after I told him about a conversation I had with Lizzie. Her god-daughter e-mails her daily asking her if she's seen a drive by or ate at Hooters. This is for pure entertainment, please view it as such.

Hannah's Hood Excursions
His comments will be in green and my comments will be in orange

So if I come to Phoenix (or Pahonix as they say) are you going to take me on a tour of your ghetto? I have a few questions before I sign up with your tour company.

1. Do I have to bring my own AK-47 or do you provide the firearms?
2. If I bag a gangbanger is there taxidermy services available or do I have to find someone to stuff them for me?
3. Is there a limit on the number of gangbangers I can take?
4. Do you serve Low Carb Malt Liquor as I am trying to watch my weight?
5. Do you have souvenir gold or platinum grills or possibly a Pimp Cup available for purchase?

We are able to negotiate at any time, and the answers to your questions may change without your knowledge.

Ok I would like to make a reservation, what is you current exchange rate for food stamps?

It varies, but it's usually is one bagged gangbanger for about $20 in food stamps... If you can keep them bagged or dead for more than 48 hours, then you can normally get up to $100 in food stamps. As for reservations go, I'm usually booked a couple months in advance, but I do have a few openings in the summer. Let me know around the time that you would like to come and I will try to fit you in.

Very competitive rates. Do you have tours for any other cities?

I have only expanded to Inglewood and Compton, both outside of L.A. Hopefully, next year I will be able to add the Bronx.

That is disappointing, I was planning on being in San Diego later this year and was looking for a tour guide there.

Well, I think that it's a little too nice of an area for this kind of tour. The food stamps aren't worth nearly as much in SanDiego area as they are in the other cities.

This might be a good opportunity to expand the types of tours you offer.

Here are some ideas.

The illegal immigrant tour complete with mock deportation to Mexico. Must have valid proof of US citizenship and $10,000 to cover the smuggler's...errr we mean immigration coordinators' fees.

The college kid bar tour with an optional grand finale

1. Wake up in Tijuana with a woman's(man's)(Goat's) name tattooed on you that you do not recognize.
2. Wake up in unknown location with a woman(man)(Goat) you do not recognize.
Legal disclaimer: We are not responsible for vomit cleanup, fights started by tourist or paternity suits arising from tour activities. Additionally all incrementing photos and videos remain the property of the tour company, you, your friends, relatives and future political opponents can purchase copies please see your guide.

The plague and pestilence tour, where tourists get to go watch the mudslides extinguish the wildfires. Of course the swarm of locusts is seasonal they have to call ahead to guarantee a show.**

**Fees for rescues are extra, additionally any income generated from the video of said rescue ending up on a reality video show remain the property of the tour company. Insurance is available please see your guide.

Now remember if you use any of these I get a cut!!

I think that you and I need to go into business together, because you have all of the great ideas and then I can make some profit off of you. You really should be a tourist guide or a comedian... as long as you can come up with another identity so you never get caught.

You should hang around me sometime when I have a few beers in me I get worse.

So what you are saying is you want to be my pimp?

I don't want to get another identity I finally started answering to John just last year, I don't want to have to get used to another one. I still perk up every time someone says Javier...

It's settled then, I am now your pimp and Javier's pimp.

I think you were one of the people that woke up with the goat and it's name tattooed on you. The smugglers must have given you your current identity. That sucks for you, but maybe you can use it for your benefit in this business... I bet I can think of ways to make more money for me... or us.... if I decide to share it and you actually earn your money.

Fine but I pick the street corner this time...and the monkey...

Due to the financial and legal ramifications of the Non Disclosure Agreement I cannot discuss the Goat, his identity or the nature of our relationship...not that we had one but if we did I can't talk about it. I just want to let you know that tattoo removal is not as painless as they say it is...of course mine was done in the kitchen of a chinese restaurant with a belt sander by a guy named Stu who swore he was a doctor.

Please remember who is the pimp and who is the "employee". Don't forget it. If you're lucky, you'll get a monkey. Do not ever consider that standard. Understand?!
Due to the written approval above, you are now a contracted employee of Hannah's Hood Excursions. You no longer have any opinion or choice but must work in the assignment given to you.

It appears that you may have some psycological issues due to the situation mentioned below that can not be disclosed. Due to this, you may not receive a normal rate of pay and my % may be increased at any time.

Thank you for your business and welcome aboard to the exciting and intrinsically and extrinsically rewarding profession as an employee of Hannah's Hood Excursions.

Man its just like being back in that Turkish prison all over again...

I have to have a monkey! Have you ever tried to put butt-less leather chaps on a gerbil?

Do I get an employee discount? Because I got my eye on one of those "Crunk Juice" pimp cups.

Prison in Turkey is another piece of evidence of your psycological damage / corruption.
You may not want to give any further information for incrimination on your behalf as this can lower your pay and percentage of profits.

You may be able to get a monkey if you are on good behavior and contributing a large profit toward the company. If you think it's hard to put butt-less leather chaps on a gerbil, try putting overalls on a cobra.

You will get an employee discount after a trial period of 90 days. Hopefully, the "Crunk Juice" pimp cups will not be discontinued during this time.

Thank you again for joining the team!

I guess I better shut up before I have to start paying to work for you!!

Overalls on a cobra?? Well we have established beyond a shadow of a doubt you are as warped as I am.

To be continued....