Time passes, Things happen. Sometimes we as people regret decisions that we make, but we can never take them back or pretend as they never happened.

Many people think that being an independant is a mistake... Maybe someday that will happen for me and I'll regret all of the political debates that I have been in. Maybe.

Writing that letter to the supervisor in the 111th fortune company that resulted in someone getting fired... may have been a mistake. Yet, when a company gets enough complaints about a temp before they become permanent, they probably do need to try other people.... I never asked for her to get fired, that wasn't my purpose...Just because she would be my female stalker if I lived in Florida, I didn't try to do this to be malicious. Maybe it was something that needed to be done, maybe by someone else, but Maybe it would have needed to be done regardless...

The main reason why I think this may have been a mistake was that Priscilla has been mad at me. There are only 10 people on the team that I call 15 times a day: Priscilla, Shane, Tiki, Tom, Kyle, John, Taylor, (Cheyenne), Carole, and Justin. Of those ten people, I know quite a bit about each of their lives. I have had a chance to speak into many of their lives. They know I am Christian and that has given me some incredible opportunities. Priscilla is a struggling Christian, she used to call me just to be able to vent and share her frustrations. I was able to befriend her and be there for her when no one else was. Now, she is so mad that I wrote that letter to her supervisor that she barely talks to me. She is so upset, and even though she has told me that she's not mad at me for writing it, she has expressed it to other people on her team. I pray and hope that this has not ruined my witness and this hasn't ruined my friendships with these people. I know that there are some that agree with everything I wrote (John and Taylor).... Yet others are just upset because I didn't put them on the good list in the e-mail (Kyle and Tiki).... Regardless, it's something I thought about for a few days, probably even over a week, and there's nothing I can do about it now...

Then, as if I haven't had a bad enough week, my best friend Sarah called and asked me to go to Jilly's a restaurant/bar somewhat club on the weekends with her. This gives me a chance to meet her new boyfriend and to see some of her friends. It sounds funny to go to a bar, especially right after a college group meeting... I had been contemplating it the whole evening, wondering if it would be a hasty decision to go. I didn't really think so until I started driving there... Then I thought about when I was 18 and how I would go from youth group, playing the role of a youth leader, and then going to my friends just to get high and drunk. Am I doing the same thing now? Many people in our group of friends drink... We all remember when we went to Applebee's to celebrate Jen's 21st birthday. Then there's all the New Year's and St. Patty day's parties.... Yet, drinking in a bar ~ a real bar, feels different. I was so stoked that I live so far from that place. This gave the people I was with a reason of why I would only be allowed one drink. Even though I did not go to the bar to "fit in", "meet someone", or "even have a good time"...... I was able to hang out with my friend, see if she is still seeking after Christ (she became a Christian last year after me being her friend and witnessing to her for 8 years)... Yet, as I am sitting at the bar, talking, hanging out, extreme sipping on my drink.... I was constantly worried, is someone from work here? are they seeing me drink? would someone's perception of me change?

I want people to see me as a person that loves God, is friends with God, and that tries to live for Him. I want people to know that I am not perfect, that I am still trying to figure out how exactly to live my life for Him. Some people may say, how could you possibly think that going to a bar would be a good choice? I don't know.... I tried to hear what God was saying, but I didn't hear Him this time......So I stayed true to my word and I went, knowing Sarah was expecting me to meet her there.

All I know is this:
I used to struggle in almost every area ~ I got drunk, I got high, I was constantly trying to impress guys in any way I could.
Then God called me to stop drinking, stop getting high, and stop wearing make-up.
I did that from the fall of '99 until about this spring. For 4 years, I did not have a single drink (even when I turned 21), and I did not wear make-up except for when I went to a wedding or a funeral....I will continue to not do drugs for the rest of my life.
Then God started showing me that I can do some of these things... I now where make-up, but not a whole lot, I now know I can have a drink to enjoy the flavor, but I will not get drunk.....I am still learning on what is the line that I am comfortable with. I am trying to do things in moderation.

I also know that:
No matter what is or is not in my system, God is in control.... He is the One that I am thinking about and that I am trying to please... I know that God has given me freedom ~ a freedom to sin and not to sin, a freedom to be a drinker or a non-drinker, a freedom to be a worhsipper or a non-worshipper. Our God can choose to allow us to do some things that others are not allowed to do. Our God can also choose to hold some things back from us that He allows others to do.

I have the choice to be obedient to him or not. I have been very legalistic before. I have also lived life knowing that God has unlimited grace and though I should use up all the grace available for that day..... At work, I have a very high work ethic and I have been told that I am smarter than some of the others and that I can't require these two traits that I possess onto other people. I can never require from others what I do from myself. At youth group, I require myself to try to speak to way more youth than I do youth leaders. I know that it can be easier for me to talk to the different youth leaders and even the little kids, so I purposely will try to focus my attention on the youth. They, after all, are the reason I am there. I know I am not the best youth worker and I know I need more improvement in my role, so I constantly evaluate myself and try to improve myself and the ministry God has called me to.

Now, I try not be legalistic, and I try not to use up too much of God's grace or atleast say I can use it before I do something...I definitely don't want people to think I try to be perfect. I know everyone at work knows I am not perfect... But I want people to be able to be comfortable with me, that they would be able to be themselves in all of their strange and unique beauty in their personalities in front of me, and that they may be able to see the light within me without feeling that I am a person that requires all that I do of myself onto them.

So this is me, with all of my struggles, worries, and weirdness....giving it to God and asking Him to help me as He molds me to what He wants me to be and become.